


The Lonely Hearts Club Band

by miraxb



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Drunken Shenanigans, Editor!Remus, Fluff, Get Together, Hope is a slightly over-involved mother, James and Lily are slightly over-involved friends, M/M, Matchmaker James Potter, Newspapers, Personal Ads, northern!Remus, photographer!sirius
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:53:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29210679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miraxb/pseuds/miraxb
Summary: Have You Seen This Man? (London)Because we’ve been seeing far too much of him. And you deserve to see more of him. This is Sirius and it’s time for him to stop third-wheeling my wife and I and find a nice boy who loves talking about football as much as he does.~Or: A personal advert is published. Someone special responds.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 64





	The Lonely Hearts Club Band

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to the lovely [@maraudorable](https://archiveofourown.org/users/violentthunder/profile), who sent me the [Craigslist ad](https://ibb.co/hD8wqT9) that inspired this fic, and to the incorrigible [@Starstruck4Moony](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starstruck4Moony/profile), who bullied me into writing it.

**_The Morning_ **

It had started precisely three months after the disastrous end of Remus’ relationship with Gil. Every Sunday, like clockwork, his phone rang. And every time, like clockwork, his mother was on the other end, armed with a list of lonely hearts adverts to read aloud to him.

“Mam,” he had said, the second time this happened. “This is The Times, not the village paper. There are actual, crazy people out there.”

“These boys sound nice enough,” Hope had insisted. “Look, here’s another one…”

She’d gone on to describe what must have been the very grimmest sounding young man he had ever had the misfortune to imagine. Even Hope Lupin, who had been known to apologise to a door frame after bumping into it, had to admit that Severus was, perhaps, “a bit of a nasty piece of work, on second thought”. 

“I just don’t want you to be alone, lovey,” she said, her habitual refrain before ringing off. “And this was really very normal back in the day. I don’t see why you can’t bring it back.”

“Yes, mam. Love you, mam.”

And that was that. Each week, a flustering conversation with his well-meaning but altogether slightly over-involved mother. Each week, a reminder of how few palatable fish there really were out there in the vast London sea. Each week, the niggling fear that maybe Gil had been right, and that he didn’t know how to love.

It was tiresome but essentially harmless, and never quite worth starting a row over. That is, it was harmless, until Hope decided to take it one step further. 

Four months on and Remus had made a game of the weekly call. One square of chocolate in his coffee if his mother recommended anyone over the age of forty-five. Two squares of chocolate if she said the phrase “work in the City”. Three squares of chocolate if the advert included an innuendo that zipped right over her head.

He was standing at his kitchen counter, ready with his dark chocolate — peppermint extract in, his one festive nod towards the season — when she dropped the bomb. 

“So, darling, I’ve gone ahead and called this one. He just seemed so perfect for you, didn’t want someone else to snatch him up!”

Remus knocked over his coffee mug. 

“And, well, it was his friend who posted the advert, actually, not him, and so it was his friend who picked up the phone. And he sounded like a very nice boy, and he has a very nice wife who I also spoke to, so I went ahead and gave them your number. And I think he said he’d call you later today to set something up.”

Remus, forgoing the spilt coffee, stuffed four pieces of chocolate directly into his mouth and chewed furiously. It didn’t do any good. No amount of chocolate was going to make his mother any saner. 

_What the hell had she been thinking?_

  
  


**_The Week Previous_ **

It was a Wednesday evening. Lily was finally home for dinner. James’ had been warned that being a medical resident wasn’t _easy_ , yet even so, he had been taken by surprise by the utterly gruelling nature of Lily’s weekly schedule. This was the first evening they’d had together in more than three weeks, and James had every intention of making the most of it. 

They were stretched out together on the sofa, trading lazy kisses and half-muffled recaps of their days. James was trying to ask Lily what she fancied for dinner when the sound of a key turning in their front door halted the slow progress of Lily’s mitten-warmed hands up his back beneath his jumper. 

“Fuck,” Lily said, with real feeling. 

“Fuck,” James agreed, more resigned. 

A moment later saw Sirius Black stomping into their flat, shaking slush off of his black moto boots and towing his dog Padfoot by the leash. He paused when he saw the couple intertwined on the couch. Padfoot, however, released from his collar, bounded towards the sofa and pressed his cold, wet nose right against James’ neck. 

“Not interrupting anything, are we?” Sirius asked, then continued on his way to the kitchen without waiting for an answer. “Have we got anything snacky? I’m dead hungry.”

They listened to Sirius open and close various drawers and cabinets in their kitchen while having a silent war of looks. James was making his eyes big and round, which was his way of asking Lily to be the bad cop this time around. Lily was raising her eyebrows high, which was her way of telling James _‘not bloody likely’._ James hid his face in Lily’s shoulder and fluttered his eyelashes in gentle acquiescence whilst summoning the energy to peel himself off of the couch (and his wife) and walk into the kitchen to slay the proverbial dragon. Padfoot, the bastard, leapt up immediately to claim his vacated spot. 

The dragon was sitting on the counter top, faded black stovepipes crossed at the ankles, eating a piece of leftover naan. 

“Jamie,” he said in greeting. “What’s on for tonight?”

“Didn’t know you were coming by,” James said cautiously. “Didn’t you have plans with Gid?”

“Fucker cancelled,” Sirius said. “Something about Benji needing a plus one for his work do. So I’m all yours.” He grinned cheekily around a mouthful of bread.

James scratched the hair at the back of his head, already hopelessly mussed by Lily’s ministrations. “The thing is, Sirius — me and Lily were planning to —” 

“Oh! Plans! Lay it on me, then.” He rubbed his hands together, all eagerness.

Sirius was speaking too loudly, too brightly. James could see he knew exactly what he had interrupted. James could also see that Sirius had absolutely no intention of spending the evening by himself. Could see that it wasn’t whimsy or caprice that had led Sirius through the frost outside, up the stairs, and into their flat with his “emergency” key. 

In that moment, James felt the wind leave his sails. He wasn’t going to kick his best friend out. Not when he was one of the only people in the world privileged to know precisely what Sirius Black sounded like when he was lonely and down and too proud to admit it. 

“...me and Lily were planning to order Chinese. Pick a bottle of wine? I need to find the menu.”

~

Six hours, three bottles of wine, and an obscene amount of Kung Pao chicken later saw the three of them piled together on the couch in varying states of delirium. Padfoot had sloped off to the dog bed Lily and James kept in their flat especially for him an hour ago, the only animal amongst them with any sense of self-preservation. 

“Jamie?” Sirius said. His voice came out muffled, his face squished against Lily’s thigh. 

“Wassit?” James replied. He had dropped his glasses and was now groping around under the couch in search of them.

“Being married is nice.”

James nodded his head in agreement. Then he stopped. “Sirius. You’ren’t married.”

Sirius pushed himself into an upright position. Unfortunately, he levered himself on his right for arm, which was in turn pressed across Lily’s stomach. She woke up with a grunt and scowl and kicked Sirius in the shoulder.

“Ow, Lils! Yeah, m’not. But you are.”

“That’s true,” James agreed thoughtfully. “Lily, baby, I think you’re wearing my glasses.”

“Huh?” Lily was slumped in the space between the two back cushions and was having trouble extracting herself from their warm embrace. She blinked her eyes experimentally. “No, I’m not. World looks normal.”

James leaned forwards, upsetting the near-empty container of fried rice in the process, and plucked his glasses from the top of Lily’s head. 

“Oh,” she said. 

“And since you’re married, s’kinda like I am, too. Like, I get to hang ‘round and it’s basically the same.”

James began to nod again, and then switched to shaking his head in a feverish ‘ _no’_. “Sirius, that’s not how it works.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Obviously I know that’s not _literally_ how it works,” he said. “But, like, it’s cosy, innit?”

Lily narrowed her eyes as she gave up on her war with the cushions. “I think you’re the only person I ever met who liked being a third wheel so much.”

Sirius shrugged. “What’s not to like? You get to hang ‘round with people who love one another. And, they’re good at taking care of one another so they’re good at taking care of you, too. It’s a good feeling.”

“Sirius, I —” Lily tried again to sit up, and with a hand from James, she finally succeeded. “I mean —”

“Have you thought about trying dating again?” James offered, brushing the spilt rice into his palm and then tossing it into his mouth. “Then you get the nice, warm bits and the, er, other bits.”

Lily rolled her eyes at her husband. “Sex. He means sex.”

Sirius shrugged again. “I mean, I do have sex. S’not a problem.”

“Must be nice,” Lily grumbled. “I might do, too, if you weren’t here.” Then she slapped a hand over her mouth. Beside her, Sirius stiffened. A long, horrible moment of silence expanded between the three of them. 

It was Sirius who broke it. “Fuck me. Yeah. Alright. I should try dating again.” 

Lily was immediately shaking her head. “Sirius, no, I didn’t mean anything. I wasn’t thinking. You should date when you want to; don’t let my stupid, fat mouth —” 

“No, you’re right,” Sirius interrupted. “I should — I dunno — I should go find a relationship of my own, instead of hanging around in yours.”

“I really didn’t mean —” Lily began, but James laid a placating hand on her forearm. 

“I’d never tell you what to do,” he said, “and you know I love you. But Sirius, mate, you’re lonely. I think you _want_ to be in a relationship. I think it’s something you’re ready for. You’ve _been_ ready for it.”

Sirius rubbed his hands over his face and growled piteously. “You’re fucking right. I hate you both so much.”

“I know,” Lily said. “I love you, too.”

Sirius flicked her earlobe and she, in turn, swatted at his hand. 

“How am I meant to go about it, though?” he asked. “Dating apps are only good for a fuck.”

Lily scrunched up her face, deep in thought the way only a drunk person can be. James, however, was suddenly alight with an idea.

“We can put an ad in the Times!”

~

At eleven the next morning, James woke to bright sunshine streaming through his window. The bed beside him was empty, which meant Lily was already up and seeing to coffee. A saint, his wife. 

He rolled over and plucked his mobile from its charger on his bedside. There was an email waiting for him on the homescreen. 

_From:_ _lifeandstyle@thetimes.co.uk_

 _To:_ _james.f.potter@mail.com_

_Dear Mr. Potter,_

_Please be informed that we have received your Lonely Hearts submission and that it will be printed in the Life & Style section on Sunday, 31st January. _

_Sincerely,_

_Molly Weasley, Assistant Editor, The Times_

“Oh, bloody hell.”

  
  


**_The Afternoon_ **

“Bloody hell!” Remus shouted to his empty flat. His mother had finally sent him the lonely hearts advert she’s responded to on his behalf and he was reading it over. It couldn’t possibly be real. 

________________________________________________________________________

[PHOTO]

_Have You Seen This Man? (London)_

_Because we’ve been seeing far too much of him. And you deserve to see more of him. This is Sirius and it’s time for him to stop third-wheeling my wife and I, and find a nice boy who loves talking about football as much as he does._

_Description:_

  * _1.85 m_


  * Nice (not code for anything, he’s just nice!)


  * Has an extremely realistic Australian accent for those fellas who are into that sort of thing


  * Is a professional photographer


  * Frequent visitor of dog parks with his black husky Padfoot


  * Scorpio but not a dick (see above point: “Nice”)


  * Always brings protection ;)



_PLEASE help us find him a boyfriend. We love him, but we love our alone time, too._

________________________________________________________________________

  
  


Remus wasn’t sure which bit was more preposterous: that this advert existed, that his mother had seen it and decided it looked like a good idea, or that he was actually considering going along with it. 

He decided he’d wait for a call. If nothing happened, fine. He’d forget about it just like all of the other ridiculous profiles his mother had pushed under his nose. But if he was given the opportunity to find out more — well. He would think about it. He did miss being in a relationship, after all. His mother, predictably and infuriatingly, hadn’t been completely off the scent. 

This was what he told himself. Two hours later, it was nearing six in the evening and he had yet to hear a squeak from the bloke or his friend. He checked his mobile so often he thought he might sprain his thumb. He even called Alice, under the guise of confirming plans for the next weekend, to make sure that the call function was still working. Alice, being Alice, had sniffed him out in a second and he’d ended up spilling the entire sorry tale to her. Kindly, she’d only laughed at him a little. 

He was disappointed, and worse, he was disappointed in himself for feeling disappointed. It was ridiculous. That morning, he’d been ready to shout at his mother for her outrageousness. Now he was pining after someone he had never met. 

It was just — this Sirius really was _indecently_ good looking. And Remus had always liked Scorpios. 

  
  


**_The Evening_ **

“JAMES, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME GO THROUGH WITH IT?” Sirius shouted for what felt like the seventy-eighth time that day. 

“I’m sorry,” James said, for what felt like the seventy-ninth time. “We were drunk.”

“I cannot _believe_ you actually sent it in.”

“Sirius! You were the one who clicked the damn _submit_ button!” James said. “This is at _least_ as much your fault as it is mine. And you thought it was very funny at the time.”

Sirius howled in a mixture of consternation and resignation. “I _know_. Fuck.”

Just then, Lily returned from commiseratory drinks with Alice. She and Frank had been hoping to get pregnant for ages, and it was starting to take its toll. Sirius didn’t care. He spun on his heel and started to unleash his misery anew. 

Lily, unlike James, just watched him impassively until he had said everything he could think of. When he had finished, he watched in amazement as a mischievous smile unfurled across her face. 

“What are you smiling about?” Sirius asked warily. At his side, James was watching Lily in similar bafflement. 

Lily grinned still wider. “Oh, nothing. Just thinking about Alice’s cute friend, Remus. See, it’s the weirdest thing. His mother sent him the _oddest_ lonely hearts advert this morning, and against his better judgement, he found himself interested. Alice had just gotten off the phone with him when I showed up. Apparently he was moping a bit that he’d not gotten a call back.”

“Oh. My. God.” James was looking at his wife like she’d just turned water into wine. 

Sirius punched him in the shoulder. “Snap out of it.”

James turned to look at him. “Sirius, at least talk to the guy. If Alice knows him, we know he’s not a psychopath. And if he’s cute, too —”

“Oh, he is gorgeous,” Lily assured them both. “Alice showed me his Facebook. Apparently he works as a reader for an editor, so he’s brainy and employed, too.”

Sirius was disgusted. “I am _not_ that shallow. I don’t care how cute he is, or how smart or — or — what have you. _I am not interested._ ”

“ _Sirius_ ,” Lily said, abruptly gentle. “No one says you have to marry the guy. But, I mean, love, you’ve been lonely. We know you have. We know you. Look at his photo. Give him a call. And then make up your mind. That’s all. And we’ll have the advert recalled.”

James raised his hand. “Already done. It’s off the website, and you know no one reads the paper version anymore, anyway.”

Sirius gave a put-upon sigh, and if James and Lily didn’t know him so well, they might have been convinced that he was actually still upset. “Fine,” he said finally. “Fine. Show me his photo, then.”

Lily beamed and pulled her mobile from her purse. A second later, she was holding it up to his face. 

_Fuck_.

The man — he was lovely. Just, lovely. Curly, honey-coloured hair, a little too shaggy to be fashionable. Whiskey eyes, intelligent and warm. A smattering of freckles across his long nose.

Beside him, James let out a long, low whistle. “He is _exactly_ your type.”

Sirius groaned. He couldn’t even contradict James. Sirius Black was many things, but a hypocrite was not one of them. 

“Fine. I’ll call him.”

Lily and James high-fived each other. It was so desperately dorky that he couldn’t even hate their glee. Then, James was thumbing his mobile open. 

“I have his number right here.” He showed Sirius his screen. 

Sirius tapped the digits into his own phone, clipped on Padfoot’s leash, and headed for the door. He was not going to give those smug arseholes the satisfaction of eavesdropping on this ill-fated call. Wisely, neither of them protested. 

Outside, he took a deep breath, swallowed his pride, and pressed the green button. 

It rang three times. 

“Hullo?” said a low, hoarse, deliciously Northern voice. 

Oh, christ. He was in it now.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments make me grin like a maniac.
> 
> I can also be found on [tumblr](https://miraxb.tumblr.com/) xx


End file.
